Tough Decisions

We all have to make tough decisions n life. It seems as I get older that these decisions become more frequent and more difficult. As mostpeopleknow, Gabe spent over a year out of work. During that year we had many new challenges and struggles.

Before, Gabe and I were married, I worked part-time at the mall as a slew clerk for Christopher & Banks. I did this for extra money and to get a good discount while feeding my shopping and clothing addictions. At that time it was just a job - nothing spectacular. After we married, the job became an annoyance. I was working every weekend, going to work at 5:00pm on weekdays while Gabe worked until 6:30pm. We decided we could live without the j on since I was pretty well paying them to work with my clothing purchases. We also found out we were very unexpectedly expecting our first baby. So I left the store and never gave it a second thought. I visited occasionally and tried to somewhat keep up with my co-workers.

Gabe's first summer out of work, i made the very difficult decision to take on a second job. Anna had just turned 3. I went back to Chnristopher & Banks and applied for a job. They needed some summer help, and hired me. When School started that fall I continued to work at the mall. Gabe had been applying everywhere with no success in his job hunt. Annan struggled once school started with mommy being away so much. No matter how bad I hated to leave her crying each day, I didn't feel like I had any other choice.

What happened during those few months, I can't really explain. I built stronger and deeper bonds with my co-workers than I had when I worked there previously. Those girls became my friends and my support system. They listened to me, cried with me, and hugged me on my tough days.

What made my experience there even better was that for the first time in a long, long time I was good at something again. I loved helping the customers. I loved playing in the jewelry nd matching it up for customers, management visits, and store displays. I used the store computer with complete ease (technology degree should be good for something, right?) and taught a couple of the girls a few things to help them navigate the system more easily. I was the MC for the store fashion show and unofficial editor for anything that had to be written.


It was still difficult to be away from Anna and later, Emily. Yet, I continued to enjoy the job. Yes, I was exhausted. My feet hurt all the time, and I was a complete failure at all things domestic, rarely cooking, washing, or cleaning. I had an excuse now though. See, The truth was, I wasn't really doing those things before I took the second job. Grief and depression had consumed me. I was barely functioning as a human being, let alone as a wife and mother. I was a failure - not at all the Proverbs 31 woman I was supposed to be. I had even become a failure as a teacher. I'm ashamed to admit that I did just enough in my teaching career to get by. I had lost all interest in everything, yet being a store clerk was a tiny glimmer of hope that i might still be somewhat of a productive member of society.

Early in the fall, th Lord began dealing with me to leave the job at the store. I battled with this and even sought counsel from Christian friends. I finally convinced myself that it would be better for my family if I continued to work. After all,even working only 4 or 5 hours a week was enough to make the van payment.

I had prayed about the situation, didn't like the answer and made my own decision instead. I had done this distinct act of disobedience durin another time in my life,and I still bear the emotional scars from not following God's direction. Choosing not to do wht God has clearly directed never ends well. Even though I chose to stay at the part-time job, I began to resent my husband that I was alwasys so tired and missing so much time with my kids. It was not pretty in our home. I was grouchy, mean,and had a very short fuse. During one particular "outburst" The husband said "it's time for you to give up the mall job. It's not worth it anymore. God has provided a good job for me, and you don't need to do this anymore. Please turn in your notice this week." Another failure? I didn't bother to discuss with my husband my decision to stay at the store all those months before.By now we we into theChristmas schedule,and anyone who has ever worked retail knows that you just can't quit that kind of job during the holiday season. After talking with Gabr and my store manager, we all agreed that I would work until the end of December.

I've been singly employed now for an entire week. I must admit, it's been nice to be home and get some rest. I do miss my friends, but I know they still love me,and understand why the decision was made. I am enjoying my girls. I am spending more time at school to get back to being an effective teacher. I am slowly but surely chipping away at the mess we call home.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do in my free time - I hear there's a really great book that is a must read for the working mom. I may have read it in another lifetime. It's called Proverbs.