Ice cream thoughts

I've read a lot of Facebook posts lately about exercis and weight loss. My most recent reading adventure was while eating a bowl of ive cream as I read how hard everyone was working to lose weight and get in shape. Now I should clarify that I was eating the ice cream because I had a really, really sore throat. However, I also really like ice cream.

One might ask, "how could she do such a thing with no guilt?" others may be thinking, "how grotesque?! Doesn't she care about being healthy?"

Yes, I know I'm fat (or obese if you prefer the sugar-coated word.) Do I care about it? Yes, I most certainly do. Have I made any efforts to improve my weight? Absolutely. Does it look like I' m trying to lose weight? Nope, it sure doesn't. Does my husband care that I'm enormous? Probably, but he is too gracious and too much of a gentleman to ever say otherwise.

I have battled my weight my entire life, and I have went up and down like a yo-yo. Believe it or not 15 years ago, I bordered on "too thin" although at the time I still believed myself not thin enough. I did this by refusing to eat breakfast or lunch. Lunch was easy to avoid because I couldn't eat in front of other people. Avoiding breakfast was more of a challenge because my ever-wise mother knew exactly what I was doing. Many, many mornings I was not allowed to walk out of my house until she watched me et something. I could usually get by with eating half of an apple. Sometimes she would make me eat at least a piece of toast.

This is how I existed for he better part of two years. When I went away to college, I quickly gained my "freshman fifteen." Only my roommates know the amount of junk I consumed- I ate because I was lonely and homesick. Unfortunately, I continued that vicious cycle throughout college. The only saving grace of my weight was exercise. Despite my poor eating habits, I did try to exercise.

During my first year of teaching, my chalkboard was directly across from a mirror which meant I had to look at myself many times a day. I didn't like what I saw, so I worked hard to change it. I took kickboxing and went to Contours on a daily basis. I did this for 2 years until I reached what I felt like was a satisfactory size. I actually managed to mostly maintain my weight until I was married.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "here we go, the old happy enough to eat story." Wrong. Three months after we were married, we were very surpringly expecting. As some have pointed out, yes, after I got married, I did learn how that could happen. :) After having Anna, I was able to start losing weight quickly (that is one of the many perks of nursing). I never got quite back to my pre-baby weight, but I did come close.

In October 2008, I was surprised and heartbroken in a matter of days. I was expecting again and lost the baby almost immediately after finding out. We weren't planning or ready for another baby yet, so while it was hurtful, it was not life altering. In February 2010, after months of praying and trying I was finally expecting again. Planned this time, and joy abounding. That joy was short lived when I lost the baby 2 weeks later. The devastation and depression I plunged into that day are unlike anything I have ever known.

Sure, I've made good attempts to lose weight since then, but no matter what I do, I just can't get the weight off. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's health related, who knows? Or maybe it's because I still struggle on some days to get out of bed and find a reason to live. Maybe it's because I have to pour every ounce of my energy into living my life and putting up a good front that all is well, and I have nothing left for myself. Yes, I have two beautiful girls that are absolute miracles from God, and I am grateful for the mercy and grace I am granted each day that I am allowed to be their mother. But anyone who has ever battled depression knows that there is no rhyme or reason to when those dark days will rear their ugly head.

Some day, by the grace of God, I will conquer this: the dpression, the obesity, all of it. In the meantime, I will wear a wider suit of armor to fight through my daily life. I will rest in knowing that my heavenly Father (and my husband, I hope!) will love me no matter what size I am. I'll get around to the Battleof the Scale someday, but go today I will claim the victory that I was able to get out of bed, hug my babies, and smile & laugh with my family.

"in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."
Romans 8:37